Well I just sent out my book proposal.  So, adding up the time it takes to get there plus the 10-12 week wait until I hear a yay or nay.... yeah it's going to be a fun wait! But I did it, and that proves something to myself. It's a confidence boost to know that someone reputable has an interest. 'm not deluding myself, though. An interest isn't a contract, and it takes a lot of writers years sometimes before finding their way into the actual publishing world. All I can do is keep working and keep striving. So that's the plan. I'm not giving up on this- there's no way I could live with myself if I walked away from yet one more thing that I wanted so damn badly. There's no voice leaning over my shoulder discouraging me, no one around to tell me I'm just going to fail anyway, or I should be doing something else... so I'm going for it. Head first, no net, look at me, no hands!!

I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed, and keep writing. Well, not with my fingers crossed because that just wouldn't work, no would it?  But, you know what I mean! So, keep checkin in, or whatever, and see what's happening.

On another note, there is a forum on the website that I'm inviting everyone to come and peek at. Post, meet some friends, however you wanna play it is fine. The website is www.autumnlebeau.com and the forum link is there, along with some other links, on the left side of the page. Come in and hang for a while if and when you can.

Not much else is going on, for now. It's been pretty quiet, which is actually starting to make me a little bored..LOL. I'm ready for a new adventure or something, you know what I mean? I need something to shake me up a little, I've been keeping to myself and being a homebody for the most part and I'm ready to kick off my shoes for a bit. So, excitement is needed along with the warm weather I've been craving.  We shall see what happens, in all areas I guess huh?

So, that's about it for now.. stay tuned. Keep smiling, keep laughing, all that fun stuff... and have an adventure!!

Sometimes I feel like time has passed and nothing has changed. Like all the time between now and then was just... I don't know, a journey back to the same place where I was when I was a kid? Does that even make sense?

I haven't gone by the old house in awhile now... I have a friend who likes to drive by there and take a stroll down memory lane sometimes and we have a laugh or two and it's odd to look at that house and think how much of my life was there, how much of me is still there. Everything that seems major happened there. I was a kid there, a teenager... I gained an essential part of who I am in that house, on that street, and with the people I surrounded myself with every day. Nothing changes that. Not being a wife, a mother, a writer with an agent wanting to read my new book... nothing changes what I was at 11, 12, and so on.

I'm not that person anymore, though. I took every turn in the road I possibly could to ensure that I wasn't the same... the weak in between girl-woman that I was. I'm stronger now, and I recognize things for what they are and not what they should be, could be, etc... Life doesn't work in just the way you want it to, just because you want it to. Choices are made to change things, and I've spent plenty of time making very calculated choices to get beyond the girl that sat in that room and wondered what the world was really like.

Don't get me wrong... I ache when I remember being there, being that young and free and all that. I enjoy the memories I made there... good bad and in between. Growing up is supposed to be unforgettable, and there are things I never could forget. And we all try to forget things, don't we? And don't get me wrong.. I don't regret being who I was. I'm old enough to look back and be ok with things... with the petty shit that happened, with the perfect moments that were just that, no matter how you want to make them something else. Everyone I knew made an impact, everything I did left an imprint. And I guess that's ok. I didn't go, or do or see a lot of things, but what I did was enough I think. That made me a better writer, a better dreamer... and that makes me a better me I think.

I'm waxing sentimental I guess, but sometimes you have to. Sending out a manuscript is a step toward the dream I have held onto when I lost all the others, or left them behind, or whatever the hell happened to them. LOL This I can capture and have, this means something more than just a wish a little girl made. And it means I can still make them. It means that somewhere in there that piece of me I wanted to much to walk away from is still voicing an opinion, still wanting everything just so.... and who knows? Maybe I should listen to her more often. She didn't always do so bad, did she? 

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

OK, better now.  What is it about spring that makes me even more manic than usual? Could it be the gallons of coffee I pour into my system as I frantically spring clean? (And I'm doing a good job if I say so myself.... bye bye trash and unused items...)  Is it the fact that it's justthisclose to summer and I can't wait? Is it the mountains of query letters I doggedly send out and relentlessly push? Is it the fact that I'm jumping every single time the friggin phone rings?  So sorry, had a brief breakdown.. movin on...

So, anyway.... LOL.... I've been busy. Not busy enough writing, shame on me, but busy with everything else. Busy's busy, yes? Even as I tell myself (and all of you) that, there's that nagging voice telling me I need to be getting my 1k a day in on that pesky Word program I keep glaring at, and then opening and closing. One must write to improve, and one must write to live... at least in my case. I AM writing, just not on the books the way I need to be. Poems, poems, poems.... **swears under breath, smiles and waves to public** My styles have changed in that area, oddly enough. It's gotten less "must rhyme or die" and more free flow, open and a little more cynical. Probably all that music I listen to and the people I watch on TV influencing me to be more ME. Or could it be because I have the blond in my hair? Apparently peroxide products on hair make one write like a crazy person? For those of you that don't get it... never mind, you probably never will. For those that did, you know I'm kidding because I happen to be crazy anyway... it's just taken some time to get it into the writing style this way.

I'm just tired of having to be PC, watch what I say, who I might offend, blah blah blahhhhhhh..... if you don't like what I say, don't listen. Same as everything else.. that would get a lot of sticks out of people's asses I think. Don't read it, watch it, listen to it. That's why we have freedom of choice and remote controls. So people CAN say what they want, be who they are... and if you don't like it, or you judge me (or anyone else) then just remind yourself of all the people that probably don't like you. Gotta be who you were meant to... and in my case it's totally NOT PC. I'm loud, messy, crazy, and in every direction all at the same time. Unorganized in EVERYTHING... but my priorities are ok. Sometimes. Well......

Rules for the day... or for life... Listen to people... if you wanna. Don't try to change people's views, thoughts, hearts. It squashes who they are and insults them when they feel they have to put on a face to make you happy, or "like" them. If you gotta do that to be "friends" with someone, find new friends. If you have to compromise a single aspect of who you are, were, or want to be.... find someone else to be your buddy... because reality is this- You are who you are, regardless of whatever tight ass tries to shove you into the mold they think you need to fit in. Life's too short- enjoy every second being you.

And as always- if you don't like what I'm writing- read another journal. No one forces you to read, watch, listen to, or play something you don't like. So stop complaining, stop protesting and move along.

Now... throw me my white T shirt, I'm on a roll!

Screaming, dreaming, laughing, playing,

Wonder what my heart is saying.

Is it talking to you…? I know it used to…

Pulling, clinging, making breaking

Guess it’s all mine for the taking, if I want it to be.

But you know me…

Yeah I think this is it,

No, hold out a bit

See what comes this way

Maybe not today….

Up in the air, down on my knees,

Eager to try, so hard to please,

You know the way

Can you still play…?

It’s not a game; I would never play with a heart

It’s just the fear of hitting the finish line of what I start

Impractical, improbable

God my mind alone could be a novel;

That no one would believe

Except maybe you and me…

Winning losing, trying choosing

Always a fork in the road, never know which way to go

Light in the dark

Tiniest spark, meant to offer hope

But you know what they say,

Give me enough rope…

I’m all over the place, tears on my face

Never knowing what to say

But you know, I’ll have to do this my way…..

I feel caged. Seriously. Like I'm always on edge, always pacing, restless and crazed about everything. I'm driving myself up the wall about this freakin book, and a couple of other things that have me even crazier than that. I am sooooo confused. But, it seems to go with that creative thing.... insane, melodramatic, nuts, crazed, harried, multi-tasking and insomnia out the ass...LOL. Or those dreams that are... wow. Not good. Not healthy. Not... no. LOL

My own wonderful mind (and all the people that live there...LOL) is the reason I feel this way. I'm just constantly thinking, striving, driving myself into these corners, or impossible situations or situations that will surely cause a riot. Which could be fun. LOL

They say blondes have more fun, so I'm testing the theory. Yeah, blond it is. We'll see. **innocent smile, wink** So far so good.... and I'm behaving. Of course I am... **cough**

So, no more email queries. I'm getting the real deal done, and soon. Just for my own peace of mind. And I'm going to get back to writing, for my own sanity, and to shut the voices in my head up... on that subject. He he he....

I am reading over this and seeing I DO sound manic. But I've BEEN manic... rejection letters are no fun, especially considering you get rejected without anyone even reading your work first. I am half tempted to post the 1st chapter here and just see if anyone likes it.... I will expect feedback on this too... there are 2 ways to comment on the blog, and I'm hoping to see something. Does it have to be positive? Nope. But, for my buddies that read this, I know where ya'all live. Kidding.... maybe... LOL.

I am so confused, i don't even know what to say. LOL Ooops would be a start, I suppose....

My bad? My mistake? Pardone the momentary bitchdom that took over? Disregard that I went postal? Yup... **smiles, looks around**

Just like that **snaps fingers** I feel completely different. Don't ask me, man, I don't even know. But I feel better, I guess... despite the fact that I got my first rejection letter. I guess you live and learn right?

Now let's just hope I can keep my head above water for now.... I'll wait patiently for the bomb to go off. Or for someone to drown me...LOL. And I would deserve it. I go off half cocked I guess and I know better. I know better when I'm doing it, but I do it anyway. I know better afterward and think... oh holy shit why did I DO that???... but it keeps coming. I have the runs from the hands I guess... think before type is supposed to be the rule, but I don't. LOL

Yay me. See the emoticon below, this is me. LOL But... I feel better. I'm not even analyzing it, I'm too tired for all that. But...  Yeah, that works.

Oh my God I'm surprised I'm not in a coma right now. I should be wiped out, but I'm pretty awake. Insomnia, the writer's best friend. It's the stress of my daughter's party coming up, getting my son to Children's in May... we got an appt. for mid- May at Akron's Children's. Kind of sucks that it's not Columbus. I could've had some fun there...  But it's at least taken care of.

So, everything is falling into place. Book done and sent out those feelers, kids' stuff settling in the way it should. Reorganizing a couple of priorities, getting rid of some dead weight.... but any other bull shit that's bugging me now will be forgotten  way too easily by this time next month I imagine. (Oh yeah, that was a GREAT big kiss my ass for the one of you who deserves it).

I'm done prioritizing people that do not prioritize me. I'm over being the "be there" person. Funny how I had that conversation with a friend once about how we were both always the ones getting hurt or screwed because we were always there and cared too much, all that happy stuff. Talk about running game! You never should trust those "always say the right thing at the right time" people... I guess you learned from her too, huh?

Anyway, that's what's happening in my little world right now.. I'm tired and stressed, but working through the every day stuff. The rest.. eh. Life is about reinvention, taking stock of who and what you need. Sometimes it hurts when you realize what or who you don't.

Apparently, according to the stats on this thing, there are actually quite a few people poppin in... referred by the website, other links, etc. Which is cool I guess. /a little unsettling, since I tend to put myself out there and probably sound like a psychotic maniac most of the time, but... LOL.. oh well. Whatever is amusing to people right? Right.

So, i don't like it when people make me cry. I mean, I'm sure that's a general thing for everyone- who wants to have people make them cry, right? But I have this automatic button I guess.. if you make me cry, the doors are shut. If I've put myself out enough to have that reaction... especially if I didn't even know how out there I really WAS.... then I'm going to react badly. I think it's a leftover from some experiences I had or whatever... since I over analyze everything, question myself and second guess shit to hell and back. But, whatever the reason, if you've gotten to me enough to make me cry, out of anger, hurt, whatever emotion (unless it's the happy cry, which I have an extreme like for..LOL) it never ends well.

And it actually takes a lot to get me to that point. I mean, if everything is going nuts or something, I'll have one of those stress cries, which usually helps and then I can get back on track. If I'm extremely nervous or something, again, it'll be a short little bawl session that clears my head. Had one of those after I sent out my query letters for Deadly Vision, felt better and went on with it. But to get me in a corner where I'm having the full on "ugly cry" it takes a hell of a lot. You know the ugly cry- the scrunched up face, incohenrent speaking (because women ALWAYS try to talk during the ugly cry) nose running, sobbing inconsolably to the absolute horror of those unlucky enough to witness a particular breakdown. LOL and then I hit "F**K YOU" mode... all in caps, all in "now I must be a hard ass and get on with proving I am the shit and would never in a zillion years be such a pansy." Yes I do have issues, I know this and accept it. So should you. Let's move along.

Anyway, this leads into where I am now. I'm trying to plod along with my head in the "zone". Meaning focusing on working on the new books, waiting for some response... even a rejection, because it's a learning process and a trial and error. And always thinking "yeah, screw YOU" in the back of my mind. My family and assorted friends have been enjoying me thoroughly this last little while, I'll tell you that. I'm not sure what they're thinking, but I'm sure they're leaning toward "please someone choke her, or me, or someone for the love of God." Don't blame them for it, either.

What gets me is that it always feels like just when I get to a place I want to be, something happens. That other shoe that loves to drop. And then I'm wanting to hurry and rebuild that wall I'm trying so friggin hard to knock down. I mean, I've dealt with my past... and funny how all that shit even seems to pale in comparison, which makes me feel SO much better right now, lemme tell ya.... so that's all good, whatever. It's past, it's resolved, what can be, and put away and moved beyond, what can't be resolved. But when someone has to throw a wrench in the works of "now" it blows.

Do people suck? Not in general I guess. Do certain people suck? Right now, hell yeah. Am I going to deal with it? Nope. I'm done with THAT bullshit. I'm going to concentrate on caring about the people that care about me. That's how it works, or how it should anyway.... until someone else decides to have a moron attack.

This is your friendly public service announcement for the week- don't make someone have an ugly cry, man. Self destruct doesn't mean take everyone with you. 

Well I had an interesting morning! One of my friends came by and we had a hell of a talk and i was just floored, man. Gotta tell ya.

I am pissed... hurt... basically I feel like a chump. More because I'm still worried. Why should I be, when I've been getting lied to for months? About everything? Omission is the same as lying for those of us that have issue with that concept. And I'm writing in here about it to cool off a little. I f*****g hate liars. Really really do. Don't twist shit around to make everyone else look like the bad guy and make me feel like everyone's treating you wrong for no reason. There are apparently quite a few reasons.

I'm not going to ask about common sense, because well... why ask when that's obvious?!?! Summing it up- some things I thought went down didn't quite go down how I was initially informed. And I want away from it... once I'm lied to, it zaps some trust, I won't deal with it.  You want to talk to me, talk.... don't lie to me. That's just making us all look stupid- the liar for doing it, and the one who swallows it for believing it. Or maybe it is just me because I had faith in certain things, that certain things must be impossible due to intelligence levels that I thought were intact. ERRRRR- Wrooooong!

You know, i really could go on and on, but it seems like a waste of energy at this point. Why say anything? The beds are made, the hands dealt, however you want to put it..... so be it. We make our own beds, we have to lie in them, deal with the consequences, whatever. And if we treat people wrong, we do it alone.

I just don't get it though. For the love of GOD I don't get it. I've seen crappy stuff, or whatever, but this honestly tops all of it... nothing more could have really shocked me. I end up saying that a lot huh? LOL

One thing I'm saying now- I deserved better than the lying shit. I'm not listening to any more of it. I don't have time to be lied to. And if there's something that's WORTH lying about,or something that you think twice about because you're ashamed or whatever, then your inner voice is telling you something. Listen to it. And if you don't, then it's on you.

Well the book's done, finished it up over the weekend. Yay me! It was right in front of me but I needed the space and time to see it, I guess. Now comes the fun- sending it out, waiting to see what happens.

That's what it's all about right? Taking risks and chances and finding your own way. Not at anyone else's expense, however. Not when it makes people worry or be shut out because you're having a Jackass Attack.

I gotta say, I've been wrapped up in book stuff and my own personal stuff. Everyone has a crisis at the same time it seems..LOL. But I've not been wrapped up enough to find out something major about a friend the way that I did. And it bothers me, it pisses me off. I'm heading into majorly pissed off territory and it's really none of my business. Apparently. Or is it the worry of one more person asking you what the hell you're doing? There are ssteps forward, sideways and back.... when you are making a step back... or down, as the case may be... then you need to hear it. And when you already KNOW it, but do it anyway... come on now, think about it.

I can't say I'm not worried, but that's not new. I've been worried. But I'm not going to say or do anything at the moment.. ball's not in my court. And what can I say that everyone else in the free world hasn't already said? Everyone has to make their own mistakes... I believe that and I get that. But for the love of God... there are oops mistakes and there are wow I am purposely jumping off a cliff and doing a really idiotic thing mistakes. Pick battles that are worth it- that are worthy of who you are. Don't lower yourself or sink under someone else's will. Do it, you'll drown... and the people you have shut out won't always be there to pick you back up.

Just a thought.